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Executive Education, Personal and Professional development Programmes
Self-esteem – How to go from spiking and plummeting to steadily rising
Bella Enahoro
Are you aware of what your estimate of yourself is? Do you think well of yourself and I don't mean arrogance and superiority? Do you ever think you're good enough? If so, do you have the kind of self-esteem that goes from feeling fabulous to plummeting and feeling your are totally without worth, value and significance?
When our estimate of ourselves is poor, we can become defensive, constantly blaming others for everything 'wrong' in our lives even feeling powerless to make a difference in our world. It's a way of being that creates untold drama in our lives
Where do we learn to think poorly of ourselves? Sometimes lowering our estimate of ourselves is a survival strategy we may have picked up as children in a difficult and dangerous childhood environment or even as adults in the work place, in order to get our survival needs met. Certainly a history of being heavily criticized or unfavourably compared to others trains our estimate of ourselves away from our inner knowing and the opinion of others becomes where we believe our estimate lies.
In the days when I was totally unaware that I had an estimate of myself or at least thought my estimate of myself was others' expressed view and opinion of me, my days were full of highs and lows. When things went 'well', I felt great about being me and when things went 'badly', being me felt crummy. And the antidote to crumminess was anything from alcohol to relationship drama - always good for distraction. Preferably both alcohol and drama. At some point, it stopped working.
Clearly using alcohol to render ourselves oblivious is not great and creating conflict, strife and clashes with others also does not solve our poor estimate of ourselves and what's possible for us. Besides which, we pull into our worlds others who seek to control and take dominion of us by so reducing our sense of worth, value and confidence we can barely function. So how do we know how the lack of self-esteem is 'playing out' in our lives? Some characteristics of genuinely low self-esteem may be:
How then do we begin to raise our estimate and opinion of ourselves in such a way that we become thermostats that set a steady high tone around ourselves and not thermometers raising and plunging with every perceived threat in our environment.
When we finally admit our view, image and underlying opinion of ourselves is painfully negative then we are now in a position to do something about it but to change our self image and improve low self esteem, we need to believe in an alternative opinion of ourselves through experience, not just repeat platitudes about how great we are really!
It starts with 'owning' where we are before we can then move into being people of habitually high and stable self-esteem. On a practical level here are 3 things to help you begin to turn things around.
Step 1 - shows us how we are thinking about ourselves right now and what we're going to let go of.
Step 3 - is where we are intending to be and train ourselves to habitually reside
Step 2 - is the bridge between the two.
For the next 30 days - read Step 2 daily and note down every time something on step 3 list happens.
The purpose of the exercise is to begin to take charge of how we view ourselves and feel about ourselves and not leave ourselves open to external buffeting by events and the opinions of others.
We are beginning to take the wheel of our esteem back from everything 'out there'. Get everyone's opinion, beliefs and expectations out the driving seat of your life. It can be difficult and it will most definitely impact your relationships. So go slowly. We don't have to scare ourselves into change.
A common mistake is to rush the process but It's important not to rush ourselves, afterall we're accustomed to avoiding the pain of our low estimate of ourselves. We need to take time especially on step 1. We need to nurse and nurture these thoughts up to conscious awareness.
For step 2 – all that's required is to write the opposite of what you wrote in step 1. We are not to judge, disbelieve or 'pooh-pooh' it.
For step 3 – 20 good things you can believe about yourself. This also may take time, as we are accustomed to telling ourselves all the things we deem 'wrong' or inadequate with ourselves.
The first thing to do, is to RESOLVE to be a person who lives with a high estimate of themselves regardless of what their past has been. For those of us who belief in a power greater than ourselves, then we can ask for assistance, grace and courage to do what ever it takes for us to move back into a life of high self-esteem. Without a clear resolve and signal to ourselves nothing significant will change in our lives.
Copyright ©Bella Enahoro Jun 2011
For more articles go to more.
When our estimate of ourselves is poor, we can become defensive, constantly blaming others for everything 'wrong' in our lives even feeling powerless to make a difference in our world. It's a way of being that creates untold drama in our lives
Where do we learn to think poorly of ourselves? Sometimes lowering our estimate of ourselves is a survival strategy we may have picked up as children in a difficult and dangerous childhood environment or even as adults in the work place, in order to get our survival needs met. Certainly a history of being heavily criticized or unfavourably compared to others trains our estimate of ourselves away from our inner knowing and the opinion of others becomes where we believe our estimate lies.
In the days when I was totally unaware that I had an estimate of myself or at least thought my estimate of myself was others' expressed view and opinion of me, my days were full of highs and lows. When things went 'well', I felt great about being me and when things went 'badly', being me felt crummy. And the antidote to crumminess was anything from alcohol to relationship drama - always good for distraction. Preferably both alcohol and drama. At some point, it stopped working.
Clearly using alcohol to render ourselves oblivious is not great and creating conflict, strife and clashes with others also does not solve our poor estimate of ourselves and what's possible for us. Besides which, we pull into our worlds others who seek to control and take dominion of us by so reducing our sense of worth, value and confidence we can barely function. So how do we know how the lack of self-esteem is 'playing out' in our lives? Some characteristics of genuinely low self-esteem may be:
- Social withdrawal
- Anxiety and emotional turmoil
- Lack of social skills and self confidence. Depression and/or bouts of sadness
- Less social conformity
- Eating disorders
- Inability to accept compliments
- An Inability to see yourself 'squarely' - to be fair to yourself
- Accentuating the negative
- Exaggerated concern over what you imagine other people think
- Self neglect
- Treating yourself badly but NOT other people
- Worrying whether you have treated others badly
- Reluctance to take on challenges
- Reluctance to put yourself first or anywhere
- Reluctance to trust your own opinion
- Expecting little out of life for yourself
How then do we begin to raise our estimate and opinion of ourselves in such a way that we become thermostats that set a steady high tone around ourselves and not thermometers raising and plunging with every perceived threat in our environment.
When we finally admit our view, image and underlying opinion of ourselves is painfully negative then we are now in a position to do something about it but to change our self image and improve low self esteem, we need to believe in an alternative opinion of ourselves through experience, not just repeat platitudes about how great we are really!
It starts with 'owning' where we are before we can then move into being people of habitually high and stable self-esteem. On a practical level here are 3 things to help you begin to turn things around.
- Take a piece of paper and write down what you think and believe about yourself. Be honest. Be fearless in putting it all out in front of you. Write until you have exhausted every thought no matter how negative or painful.
- On a second piece of paper – write the exact opposite of all those attributes and beliefs you've written above
- On a third piece of paper – list 20 good things you like about yourself right now. Take as long as it takes and write until you've found those 20 things. You don't have to do it all in one sitting or even all in one day but stick with it until you've found those 20 things.
Step 1 - shows us how we are thinking about ourselves right now and what we're going to let go of.
Step 3 - is where we are intending to be and train ourselves to habitually reside
Step 2 - is the bridge between the two.
For the next 30 days - read Step 2 daily and note down every time something on step 3 list happens.
The purpose of the exercise is to begin to take charge of how we view ourselves and feel about ourselves and not leave ourselves open to external buffeting by events and the opinions of others.
We are beginning to take the wheel of our esteem back from everything 'out there'. Get everyone's opinion, beliefs and expectations out the driving seat of your life. It can be difficult and it will most definitely impact your relationships. So go slowly. We don't have to scare ourselves into change.
A common mistake is to rush the process but It's important not to rush ourselves, afterall we're accustomed to avoiding the pain of our low estimate of ourselves. We need to take time especially on step 1. We need to nurse and nurture these thoughts up to conscious awareness.
For step 2 – all that's required is to write the opposite of what you wrote in step 1. We are not to judge, disbelieve or 'pooh-pooh' it.
For step 3 – 20 good things you can believe about yourself. This also may take time, as we are accustomed to telling ourselves all the things we deem 'wrong' or inadequate with ourselves.
The first thing to do, is to RESOLVE to be a person who lives with a high estimate of themselves regardless of what their past has been. For those of us who belief in a power greater than ourselves, then we can ask for assistance, grace and courage to do what ever it takes for us to move back into a life of high self-esteem. Without a clear resolve and signal to ourselves nothing significant will change in our lives.
Copyright ©Bella Enahoro Jun 2011
For more articles go to more.
