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Executive Education, Personal and Professional development Programmes
Christmas - Traditions, Tribes and letting in Joy
Bella Enahoro
There are some Christmas traditions which are fun and joy-filled. The sparkling lights go up, re-unions with those we may not have seen in a while, sharing a festive meal with those we've spent the last year with and making the most of high spirits to take us out of the year and into another one, filled with hope.
There are other Christmas traditions we've come to expect which we may be ready to grow out of – drama and chaos on life's high seas. The thought of another Christmas like that, will be exhausting and miserable. Between dealing with the amount of food to be prepared and the number of people to be managed, are we still trying to deal with it all by gritting our teeth and hoping we can get through the holiday season in 'one piece'?
Perhaps you've got a place where you realise there will always be war at the dinner table between various characters in the family. And you harbour resentment and simmering rage at the amount of work you do with no recognition and appreciation. And you feel helpless as you watch the set patterns of behaviour - including yours - ricochet round the room, causing disruption and injury.
Perhaps these patterns have been ingrained since childhood. And that, right there is cause for insight. As adults we still allow ourselves to be high-jacked by the childhood perception of what's going on and we react the way we've always reacted. In fact, if you pay attention you can see how certain others 'set up' the play for the drama.
You can watch them probe for 'buttons to push' wanting to get a reaction going. Yes, there will always be those who aggravate within others a sense of trouble, in order to promote the dynamic that they've already made their mind up about.
Sometimes we jump right in with them, giving as good as we get. Sometimes we stay there like a rabbit caught in headlights and absorb the negativity alternatively we flee the scene of the drama only to find ourselves being dragged right back into it. And these are the only options we seem to be able to roll through.
Maybe this year, you're ready to do it differently? But how?
A good starting place is to accept before we get into the season of 'good cheer', indeed come to terms with the fact that there will always be disagreements; therefore, there will always be turmoil. Trying to eradicate turmoil for all is a futile endeavour. The place where you have power is in deciding what part are you going to consciously choose to play?
If you need to vent, vent. But not in the middle of the 'drama'. So can we do? It sounds simple but here it is - when we see the domino effect travelling the round in the room in our direction or sometimes we're in the line of fire – breathe.
Yes, it sounds simple. It doesn't have to be elegant. It doesn't even have to feel great. But when you do that, you immediately take yourself out of reactive mode. You disrupt the expectation. Do the unexpected. Do something you don't normally do. If you normally jump right into the turbulence, guess what – don't. Why? Because you've just tried to put out a fire by pouring on gasoline.
Take a break. Leave the room. Decline further communication – no matter how charged the provocation. It'll feel odd at first. Sure, we all want to rise to the bait, but – do something else.
When we take ourselves out of the middle of the storm, we can think. We can respond. A reaction is not a response. It's a knee jerk. A response is a considered action. Very different. You now have time to ask yourself important questions about what you would like to do.
Are you willing to have a joyful time, regardless of the choices others around you may be making? Are you willing to have your Christmas go well, regardless of them trying to cast you in their 'drama'?
One aspect, that may be at the heart of this discussion is personal power. Do you claim yours? Do you use it effectively?
The standard of success in Christmas isn't the things. It isn't the money or the stuff. It is absolutely the amount of joy that you feel. I have found that my joy increases when I focus on doing what I can and not what I can't. In other words, using my personal power, powerfully. That simple, though not always easy.
Often it takes some commitment to realise we don't have the power to help others stay calm. And, guess what? There are others who actively seek drama and chaos. Fine, let them have their definition of a good time.
Change your mind about how things have to be – this year it's going to be different. Better.
Happy Christmas.
Copyright ©Bella Enahoro Dec 2012
For more articles go to more.
There are other Christmas traditions we've come to expect which we may be ready to grow out of – drama and chaos on life's high seas. The thought of another Christmas like that, will be exhausting and miserable. Between dealing with the amount of food to be prepared and the number of people to be managed, are we still trying to deal with it all by gritting our teeth and hoping we can get through the holiday season in 'one piece'?
Perhaps you've got a place where you realise there will always be war at the dinner table between various characters in the family. And you harbour resentment and simmering rage at the amount of work you do with no recognition and appreciation. And you feel helpless as you watch the set patterns of behaviour - including yours - ricochet round the room, causing disruption and injury.
Perhaps these patterns have been ingrained since childhood. And that, right there is cause for insight. As adults we still allow ourselves to be high-jacked by the childhood perception of what's going on and we react the way we've always reacted. In fact, if you pay attention you can see how certain others 'set up' the play for the drama.
You can watch them probe for 'buttons to push' wanting to get a reaction going. Yes, there will always be those who aggravate within others a sense of trouble, in order to promote the dynamic that they've already made their mind up about.
Sometimes we jump right in with them, giving as good as we get. Sometimes we stay there like a rabbit caught in headlights and absorb the negativity alternatively we flee the scene of the drama only to find ourselves being dragged right back into it. And these are the only options we seem to be able to roll through.
Maybe this year, you're ready to do it differently? But how?
A good starting place is to accept before we get into the season of 'good cheer', indeed come to terms with the fact that there will always be disagreements; therefore, there will always be turmoil. Trying to eradicate turmoil for all is a futile endeavour. The place where you have power is in deciding what part are you going to consciously choose to play?
If you need to vent, vent. But not in the middle of the 'drama'. So can we do? It sounds simple but here it is - when we see the domino effect travelling the round in the room in our direction or sometimes we're in the line of fire – breathe.
Yes, it sounds simple. It doesn't have to be elegant. It doesn't even have to feel great. But when you do that, you immediately take yourself out of reactive mode. You disrupt the expectation. Do the unexpected. Do something you don't normally do. If you normally jump right into the turbulence, guess what – don't. Why? Because you've just tried to put out a fire by pouring on gasoline.
Take a break. Leave the room. Decline further communication – no matter how charged the provocation. It'll feel odd at first. Sure, we all want to rise to the bait, but – do something else.
When we take ourselves out of the middle of the storm, we can think. We can respond. A reaction is not a response. It's a knee jerk. A response is a considered action. Very different. You now have time to ask yourself important questions about what you would like to do.
Are you willing to have a joyful time, regardless of the choices others around you may be making? Are you willing to have your Christmas go well, regardless of them trying to cast you in their 'drama'?
One aspect, that may be at the heart of this discussion is personal power. Do you claim yours? Do you use it effectively?
The standard of success in Christmas isn't the things. It isn't the money or the stuff. It is absolutely the amount of joy that you feel. I have found that my joy increases when I focus on doing what I can and not what I can't. In other words, using my personal power, powerfully. That simple, though not always easy.
Often it takes some commitment to realise we don't have the power to help others stay calm. And, guess what? There are others who actively seek drama and chaos. Fine, let them have their definition of a good time.
Change your mind about how things have to be – this year it's going to be different. Better.
Happy Christmas.
Copyright ©Bella Enahoro Dec 2012
For more articles go to more.
