EMPOWERING EASE, JOY & EFFECTIVENESS
Executive Education, Personal and Professional development Programmes
Executive Education, Personal and Professional development Programmes
the joy of giving yourself permission to go 'out of bounds'
As child I went to a school whose grounds were, at least in the eyes of a child, pretty extensive. But at the very edge of the grounds we were told beyond that is 'out of bounds'. Hmmm. 'Out of bounds' meant we did not have permission to go there. In fact if we wanted to, we had to have a special reason and then get permission from the headmistress. Or at least that's how it was supposed to work. But 'out of bounds' is another way of saying to a person 'become fascinated with what's on the other side of this line'. And we did.
We didn't take permission from any head authority, we simply wandered 'out of bounds' and what did we find? Space. Quiet. Nothing dangerous or inappropriate, just more space. We soon came to realise that 'out of bounds' really meant 'stay in this space where we can keep and eye on you'. The whole system of permissions was really about keeping control over us, not because there was anything untoward 'out of bounds'.
As we come into the final weeks leading up to Christmas, many of us will be spending time with our families of origin, or wishing we could or glad we’re not. Whatever the case, this is a good time to check in to see whose permissions we’re still living by. In whose bounds are we trying to live our lives?
Many of us still operate under our childhood permissions for who we can be, what we can have and what we can do in our lives. The pain, sadness, frustration of being held back from that which we truly seek for ourselves operates as a current which can distort our lives. As the trees shed their leaves in many parts of the world, so we need to shed outmoded limited permissions and allow ourselves to move further afield.
For instance, who do you feel you have permission to date? Do you have permission to see yourself as worthwhile no matter what they said or did to you? Do you have permission to follow the path of your gifts and not what ‘they’ want you to do? Do you have permission to experience and acknowledge your full range of emotions? Do you have permission to feel your anger; do you have permission to your full measure of joy?
What would it take to be a fuller measure of yourself? To give yourself permission to be who you truly would like to be? Do you have permission to be yourself? There is a saying that we only truly become ourselves when we outgrow our childhood upbringing. This is not to say that we are disrespecting our parents, legacy and background but that we examine and acknowledge our lives and become who we choose to be. So what is it that keeps us from that?
Fear, doubt, worry play their part in keeping us stuck in old permissions. We may carry the experience of being in danger, under threat of being caused pain every time we stepped outside the tacit family permissions. Or we got the message ‘I can only love you if (fill in the blank)’ That ‘I can only love you if’ message means we only have permission to be who others want us to be.
As children our survival, getting our emotional needs met surely do depend on the adult world, so we are inclined to buy into the ‘you only have permission to be, do, have this much’. In fact it’s a smart thing to do to keep ourselves alive. But when it bleeds into our adult lives, this can cause us pain of not giving yourself what you truly desire. Or the conditions under which we will give ourselves permission are so untenable; it amounts to withholding from ourselves. And what happens when we don’t allow ourselves expanded permissions?
If you don’t at some point give yourself permission to step ‘out of bounds’ life can become small, stale and contracted. Every day becomes struggle and drudgery. Quietly. Slowly. A creeping disappointment sets in. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Where did the promise of life go?
The promise of the fuller measure of our lives is just the other side of our bounded permissions. All we have to do is allow ourselves to ‘go for’ more. Try it out. See what happens. Nothing wild. Nothing drastic. Unless that takes your fancy. But just buy the red shoes your parents would never let you have. Sit at a different table. Strike up conversation with ‘that type’ of person. Take that art class they would never let you even talk about. Look into training for that field of endeavour ‘they’ threw scorn at. And see what happens.
See that spark of joy return. A little bit more delight in the day. A bit more colour and vitality in your life. It doesn’t take much, just a little willingness to gravitate towards your joys. A little willingness to gravitate towards life’s bounty.
Copyright © Bella Enahoro Nov 2013
We didn't take permission from any head authority, we simply wandered 'out of bounds' and what did we find? Space. Quiet. Nothing dangerous or inappropriate, just more space. We soon came to realise that 'out of bounds' really meant 'stay in this space where we can keep and eye on you'. The whole system of permissions was really about keeping control over us, not because there was anything untoward 'out of bounds'.
As we come into the final weeks leading up to Christmas, many of us will be spending time with our families of origin, or wishing we could or glad we’re not. Whatever the case, this is a good time to check in to see whose permissions we’re still living by. In whose bounds are we trying to live our lives?
Many of us still operate under our childhood permissions for who we can be, what we can have and what we can do in our lives. The pain, sadness, frustration of being held back from that which we truly seek for ourselves operates as a current which can distort our lives. As the trees shed their leaves in many parts of the world, so we need to shed outmoded limited permissions and allow ourselves to move further afield.
For instance, who do you feel you have permission to date? Do you have permission to see yourself as worthwhile no matter what they said or did to you? Do you have permission to follow the path of your gifts and not what ‘they’ want you to do? Do you have permission to experience and acknowledge your full range of emotions? Do you have permission to feel your anger; do you have permission to your full measure of joy?
What would it take to be a fuller measure of yourself? To give yourself permission to be who you truly would like to be? Do you have permission to be yourself? There is a saying that we only truly become ourselves when we outgrow our childhood upbringing. This is not to say that we are disrespecting our parents, legacy and background but that we examine and acknowledge our lives and become who we choose to be. So what is it that keeps us from that?
Fear, doubt, worry play their part in keeping us stuck in old permissions. We may carry the experience of being in danger, under threat of being caused pain every time we stepped outside the tacit family permissions. Or we got the message ‘I can only love you if (fill in the blank)’ That ‘I can only love you if’ message means we only have permission to be who others want us to be.
As children our survival, getting our emotional needs met surely do depend on the adult world, so we are inclined to buy into the ‘you only have permission to be, do, have this much’. In fact it’s a smart thing to do to keep ourselves alive. But when it bleeds into our adult lives, this can cause us pain of not giving yourself what you truly desire. Or the conditions under which we will give ourselves permission are so untenable; it amounts to withholding from ourselves. And what happens when we don’t allow ourselves expanded permissions?
If you don’t at some point give yourself permission to step ‘out of bounds’ life can become small, stale and contracted. Every day becomes struggle and drudgery. Quietly. Slowly. A creeping disappointment sets in. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Where did the promise of life go?
The promise of the fuller measure of our lives is just the other side of our bounded permissions. All we have to do is allow ourselves to ‘go for’ more. Try it out. See what happens. Nothing wild. Nothing drastic. Unless that takes your fancy. But just buy the red shoes your parents would never let you have. Sit at a different table. Strike up conversation with ‘that type’ of person. Take that art class they would never let you even talk about. Look into training for that field of endeavour ‘they’ threw scorn at. And see what happens.
See that spark of joy return. A little bit more delight in the day. A bit more colour and vitality in your life. It doesn’t take much, just a little willingness to gravitate towards your joys. A little willingness to gravitate towards life’s bounty.
Copyright © Bella Enahoro Nov 2013
