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Executive Education, Personal and Professional development Programmes
Executive Education, Personal and Professional development Programmes
Criticism, Freedom and Courage
Bella Enahoro
Are you someone who tends to react poorly when you believe that someone is criticizing you, often getting defensive, or trying to make the other person wrong or using subtle shaming behaviour?
To be fair, few of us react well to a perceived criticism, and our responses can range from denial ("I didn't do anything wrong"), to annoyance ("Why is he always on my case!"), frustration ("Why can't I get this right?"), depression ("There's something wrong with me"), shaming the messenger ("You are the problem here, not me") and anger ("How dare he say that after all I've done!"). We may believe that these reactions are natural and inevitable, but are they? We tend to think that criticisms come from other people.
But in truth, all things that we perceive as criticisms originate internally, It’s born from our constructed self-image -- how we like to think of ourselves and how we want others to see us. We -- usually unconsciously and at a very young age -- created our self-image in order to feel safe and appreciated. Thus, most of us are strongly attached to this image and will vigorously fight anything or anyone that threatens it.
Often, we do this to avoid looking at the parts of ourselves that we've labelled as "bad" because these provoke fear of rejection and abandonment. The severity of the response relates to the level of attachment to our self-image and the fear of discovery that this image may not be true.
The difference between a criticism and a simple observation is in how it is received: The tone of a response to an observation is inquisitive, mature and nuanced, while the tone of a response to a perceived criticism is one of derision, childish emotions and black and white thinking. In this way, a criticism may be defined as an observation that carries a perceived challenge to our self-image. This is a very human dynamic that can lead to much pain and abuse.
The defence of our self-image leaves us living on-guard, dampening our creativity, distancing us from others, stopping us from facing life honestly and keeping us imprisoned in denial
But transformation begins when we look at the difficult realities of our lives with honesty, compassion and, most of all, courage. This takes tremendous courage because here we face the parts of ourselves that we have worked so hard to avoid ever seeing or being seen. This requires that we love ourselves enough to find out what hurts and resolve to heal it, without the tired, old, childish fear that we will be abandoned. We do this so that we can live freely and truly be a blessing.
With courage we ask ourselves, "What is the most painful thing that someone could say to me, or that I could tell myself?" We might answer, "You are a negligent parent," "You are selfish," "You don't matter," "You'll never amount to anything," "No one loves you," "You are incompetent," "You are ordinary" or "You are an insensitive jerk."
Next, we must go toward the emotions that this generates, inviting the critical voice to speak and committing to listen. We continue to explore with the tone of observation -- going deeper, feeling the emotions that arise with an open heart and, most importantly, staying longer than is comfortable. Just like lifting weights, we only grow when we lift more than we thought we could, and more than we did yesterday. This practice builds emotional muscles that allow us to face our most difficult challenges with more strength and courage.
Soon, if we stay long enough, we find that the critical voice is spent. As the emotions begin to dissipate, we see that this place is not so scary after all; as a matter of fact it is a new landscape that is fascinating because we see that the things we had rejected are simply another component of our, and everyone else's, humanity; so many of the rules that we thought governed life are our own fabrications. Here, the fierce grip of our self-image softens as we begin to mature in forgiveness for ourselves and for others.
With courage, we realize that the things we once saw as criticisms are in fact our warning system, pointing to areas that need exploration and healing -- the only way out of the pain is in and through it. From this perspective, we know that criticism is a gift for which we are grateful. If we are mired in defending our self-image, we will resist feeling and expressing gratitude -- an emotion that flows outward toward others and requires the confidence to let go of our need to be perceived in a way that makes us feel safe. With courage, though, we discover that this journey, which we had avoided for so long, brings us to who we truly are in power, maturity, freedom, empathy and wholeness.
Copyright ©Bella Enahoro Mar 2013
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To be fair, few of us react well to a perceived criticism, and our responses can range from denial ("I didn't do anything wrong"), to annoyance ("Why is he always on my case!"), frustration ("Why can't I get this right?"), depression ("There's something wrong with me"), shaming the messenger ("You are the problem here, not me") and anger ("How dare he say that after all I've done!"). We may believe that these reactions are natural and inevitable, but are they? We tend to think that criticisms come from other people.
But in truth, all things that we perceive as criticisms originate internally, It’s born from our constructed self-image -- how we like to think of ourselves and how we want others to see us. We -- usually unconsciously and at a very young age -- created our self-image in order to feel safe and appreciated. Thus, most of us are strongly attached to this image and will vigorously fight anything or anyone that threatens it.
Often, we do this to avoid looking at the parts of ourselves that we've labelled as "bad" because these provoke fear of rejection and abandonment. The severity of the response relates to the level of attachment to our self-image and the fear of discovery that this image may not be true.
The difference between a criticism and a simple observation is in how it is received: The tone of a response to an observation is inquisitive, mature and nuanced, while the tone of a response to a perceived criticism is one of derision, childish emotions and black and white thinking. In this way, a criticism may be defined as an observation that carries a perceived challenge to our self-image. This is a very human dynamic that can lead to much pain and abuse.
The defence of our self-image leaves us living on-guard, dampening our creativity, distancing us from others, stopping us from facing life honestly and keeping us imprisoned in denial
But transformation begins when we look at the difficult realities of our lives with honesty, compassion and, most of all, courage. This takes tremendous courage because here we face the parts of ourselves that we have worked so hard to avoid ever seeing or being seen. This requires that we love ourselves enough to find out what hurts and resolve to heal it, without the tired, old, childish fear that we will be abandoned. We do this so that we can live freely and truly be a blessing.
With courage we ask ourselves, "What is the most painful thing that someone could say to me, or that I could tell myself?" We might answer, "You are a negligent parent," "You are selfish," "You don't matter," "You'll never amount to anything," "No one loves you," "You are incompetent," "You are ordinary" or "You are an insensitive jerk."
Next, we must go toward the emotions that this generates, inviting the critical voice to speak and committing to listen. We continue to explore with the tone of observation -- going deeper, feeling the emotions that arise with an open heart and, most importantly, staying longer than is comfortable. Just like lifting weights, we only grow when we lift more than we thought we could, and more than we did yesterday. This practice builds emotional muscles that allow us to face our most difficult challenges with more strength and courage.
Soon, if we stay long enough, we find that the critical voice is spent. As the emotions begin to dissipate, we see that this place is not so scary after all; as a matter of fact it is a new landscape that is fascinating because we see that the things we had rejected are simply another component of our, and everyone else's, humanity; so many of the rules that we thought governed life are our own fabrications. Here, the fierce grip of our self-image softens as we begin to mature in forgiveness for ourselves and for others.
With courage, we realize that the things we once saw as criticisms are in fact our warning system, pointing to areas that need exploration and healing -- the only way out of the pain is in and through it. From this perspective, we know that criticism is a gift for which we are grateful. If we are mired in defending our self-image, we will resist feeling and expressing gratitude -- an emotion that flows outward toward others and requires the confidence to let go of our need to be perceived in a way that makes us feel safe. With courage, though, we discover that this journey, which we had avoided for so long, brings us to who we truly are in power, maturity, freedom, empathy and wholeness.
Copyright ©Bella Enahoro Mar 2013
For more articles go to more.
If you like this article please 'LIKE' and share with others
